Yours Always, Sam
by Hanisi
Summary: The rambling letters of Sam, written to Mercedes. Post Season 2, continuing into Season 3.
1. Letter 1

AN: Just a collection of letters Sam writes Mercedes but doesn't send. This is my Sam, older and wiser from seeing life for what it is. Set along the current timeline. If you don't like angst, you won't be a fan of these letters.

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><p>Dear Mercedes,<p>

How are you?

You'd never know it but I've wasted 12 pieces of paper on that first sentence. _How are you?_ It's not very original, I know. I'm sure I can see your reaction – eyebrow raised, wondering why I'm talking to you like you're a stranger. I'll bet you'd be smiling now and telling me to get on with it. Well, as you wish.

You'll be glad to know the fam is well. Dad got a job he's about to start and Mom is working nights. I've also got a job at a small hardware store. Things are better here than they were in Ohio, and we're finally starting to get our lives back together.

I run a lot now. More than before. I thought it would be a good way to clear my head, but I suppose using the playlist you created for me doesn't help. I know it sounds unhealthy, I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but there is nothing else that makes me as happy as when I think of you. You can't blame me for that. It's just...sometimes it gets overwhelming, being so stuck in my own head with you on repeat. And so I run faster. I run and I push myself until my lungs fill with fire and every inhale feels like it's going to suffocate me. But the pain, the physical pain, even with the head spin and nausea, is better than the pain of trying to forget. At least it's over in a few minutes. This pain? I feel like it's never going to go away.

I'm sorry. This won't be helping you at all. You've probably moved on to much better things and it's all I want for you. From you.

I think I'll put this with the other letters. One day I'll write one I can send to you and you'll think I'm fine, that I've moved on to a better life. You could always tell when I was lying though so for now, yes, I think I'll put this with the other letters.

All my love,

Sam

P.S - One of my regular customers wears your perfume. It's...distracting.


	2. Letter 2

Dear Mercedes,

Stacy asked about you again today. With Mom working so late, I think she misses having another female around. She used to sing that song that you taught her all the time but she stopped because she said it makes me upset. She's pretty observant, my little sis.

Dad keeps telling me that strong tree's don't grow without strong winds. I think he's just tired of seeing me so down. I try not to be - it's the last thing I want them to see - but you were right, my eyes give me away too easily.

I was thinking how funny it is that we grow up with TV shows telling us that no matter what we will be ok. That if you quit your job, it will always be waiting for you again. That the only thing a High School student really has to worry about is not having a date for their Senior Prom. I don't think I will ever feel this naive again. I've seen the world for what it is now, and I know what has actual value.

I shouldn't write this but I miss talking to you. I miss having conversations like this and having someone who understands. I miss the way you'd listen and not look at me like I was crazy/boring you/exaggerating. I miss the way you'd rest your head on my chest, and how I could feel your every reaction on my own skin. I miss the way you would say my name, like I was somebody, and not just that homeless guy that everyone had to walk on eggshells around.

I miss being something more to someone.

I heard you've been seen around town with some guy. Good. I'm glad for you. You're a light, Mercedes. A light that makes everything brighter. The thought of you wasting your light on pointless memories makes me sad. I'm doing enough of that for the both of us.

Yours Always,

Sam


	3. Letter 3

Dear Mercedes,

I met someone today. It took a lot of eyelash flutters and flirtatious comments to realise she wanted something more than just a couple of two-by-fours. She was beautiful, I guess. I don't know.

I need to ask you this. I need to ask because I've tried to wrap my head around it for days now, and because I didn't think the pain would get worse. That the emptiness would turn into this. Into anger. I want to ask because I genuinely want to understand.

_How could you find someone else?_

I look at these girls and I feel nothing, see nothing! How could you let someone hold you like I held you, touch you like I did? I need you to tell me because I feel like I was just disposable to you. Did you ever love me? Because if you loved me, there would be no way you could just transfer those feelings on to someone new. Not already.

I just...I need for you to help me understand.

I see you in everything. A soulful voice on the radio, a warm breeze at night, the scent of coconut...I see you in everything, but you're not there.

And I just can't do it anymore.

I quit my job. I've decided to put my skills to use in a new job. You wouldn't like it but I need to stop thinking of what you'd like so much. I've had more than enough time.

Goodbye,

Sam


	4. Letter 4

Dear Mercedes,

I'm not ready after all. Not just yet.

Remember that night by the lake when you asked me to meet you - the first night after I told you I was leaving? I never told you this but when I got there I sat and watched you for the longest time. I saw more in you in that moment than I had in the last year. The night was cool and you'd crossed your arms across your chest, rubbing gently to keep yourself warm. Your bangs had grown past your eyes and you had a habit of crinkling your nose just before brushing them to the side. Even from behind, I could see that crinkle in my mind and it lifted the corners of my mouth.

I remember just watching you for what felt like the longest time, but it was all I could stand to be away from you. I could tell you were sad, see it in your posture. You looked...defeated. I wanted to kiss you, to hold you and to tell you that everything would be alright, that I wasn't going anywhere and that I would never hurt you by leaving you. But I couldn't. All I could do was walk over to you and lift your face, the heartbreak in your eyes piercing my skin, while I held you against me.

We sat in silence for the next hour, pressed against one another in the spot that we'd spent so much time in. Later you told me that you wished you could capture every last moment we had together in your mind forever, and I smiled a sad smile.

You see, I feel in love with you long before that night, but it was that night when I realised just how deeply it was buried.

And now I can't just turn it off.

If there was ever a letter I wanted you to see, it was this one. But the thought of you, and the heartbreak in your eyes...I could never do that to you. Not again.

So I'm sorry, my love, but I will stop writing you when I'm ready. And I'm just not ready. Not yet.

All my heart,

Sam


End file.
